Diary Entry, 2007

When I was young I had a dream that the world was kind and things were exactly as they seemed. And while the days haven’t been unkind, they’d be brighter had I not left you behind. And I can still remember falling in love with you, talking on the back stairs. But I guess everyone has to wake up when they’re living a dream that isn’t theirs. It could have been so easy, but we never liked that did we? There are still lingering questions that I’m not desperate enough to ask. Did you ever look back? Catch your hand on the receiver? While I was staring at your back, did I miss a glance there somewhere? Maybe you were terrified. I know I was. Have you thought about me since the last time we saw each other? I know I’ve given you a second thought. Or twenty. Thousand. I had to turn around one last time, and to my surprise, you were staring back straight into my eyes. And I immediately burned that image somewhere in my mind so when we didn’t know each other anymore, I’d still remember. I find myself doing that too often these days. Or maybe just enough. I never wanted to leave you behind, I guess I was foolish to believe in a dream that isn’t mine. So instead, I have carefully stored soundbites of your laughter. Memories of your smile. And the second where your arms around me made my heart stop, because they did. You did. And then I left for somewhere half a world away, to find someone I had lost along the way, or to be the snake I was and finally shed my skin, leaving behind memories and a life lived in sin. I trade these for plasticity of heart and mind, so the next time I am stretched, I will be able to bend in time. Instead of breaking into pieces of feeling and pain undissolved, where love runs from the shallows and sinks to deeper ground.